Somebody paved a coal mine for this

Because scienter overheard the coolest Christmas shopping argument EVAR (which made me totally jealous, she's so lucky) I headed down to the mall after work to see if I could also witness some wailing and gnashing of teeth.

I lurve small town shopping malls, especially during the holidays. I started my people watching in the food court.

Being a Friday evening, of course in gamboled a golgotha of goths. You've heard of a gaggle of geese? Well, this was a golgotha of goths. The alpha goth was wearing jeans, a wide belt with lots of shiny metal studs, and a black hoodie shirt that was way too small for him. He had the hood pulled up tight around his head. His hair was dyed coal black, he was wearing cheap black plastic shades, and he looked remarkably like a 17 year old Howard Stern. The hoodie shirt had a picture of Jack Skellington and Sally, from The Nightmare Before Christmas, standing in front of a huge yellow full moon. With the hood pulled up, the alpha goth looked like he should have had a part in the movie himself. This kid was skinny, man. I mean REAL skinny. We're talking 'Freedom Through Work' thin. 'Make-a-Wish Foundation' thin. His shoulder blades were deadly weapons. Because his shirt was so small his midriff was exposed. I kept expecting to see branding marks on him, like he'd been tortured or something.

The alpha goth's... I want to say girlfriend but, well, you know. The alpha goth's companion also had her hair dyed pitch black. She had the obligatory heavy black eyeliner on and she was wearing one fingerless white mitten on her right hand. I have no idea if there was symbology there.

One of the other goths tried to tell the ancient joke about the guy who takes his car to the garage for repair. While waiting, he gets some ice cream, which he eats messily. He returns to the garage. The mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The guy replies, "No, it's ice cream." Unfortunately, she screwed the joke up and so went into the mall restroom and hung herself with her endless string of teenage angst.

A woman wandered by and the alpha goth recognized her. Someone's mother, apparently. While they chatted, the alpha goth crooked his fingers and hands at her, arthritically.

"I'm flashing my gang sign." he said.

The woman looked at him blankly for a beat and then replied, "oooo-kay."

I knew she was thinking, "What gang could you belong to, the Jack Skellington Crips?"

There was a new store in the mall. It didn't even have a placard or logo, yet. The owner had printed the name of her store on a few pieces of paper and taped them here and there -- "Ushikia's Unique Country Store." I tried to find something unique. I really did. There was only the same old factory made, corporate country crap. Baskets and rocking chairs and fake wooden signs that say things like "I'd Rather Be Fishing!" and "Your Husband Called. He Said You Could Buy Whatever You Want." and "My Other Car is a Conestoga Wagon."

I wandered next door, to Boscov's. And then I found it. The. most. useless. thing. Even more useless than Yul Brynner with a Flowbee. More useless than a chocolate teapot. Useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker. Useless as a bag full of farts. Here it is--
Marshmallow toaster

A battery operated marshmallow toaster!! You stick marshmallows on the tines and then press the button to make the tines rotate over your Sharper Image campfire or whatever.

And that was this week's trip to the mall.
  • Current Mood: at least there was no muzak
'Freedom Through Work' thin. 'Make-a-Wish Foundation' thin.

You are evil wicked bad, SOD. I so did not want to laugh at that!
I bought their entire stock and sent them to the White House in Washington DC. Also, some Isotoner gloves for Condi.
this was awesome. thanks for the laugh.

i had a similar experience at the mall this week. i went with my mother. there some groups with alpha males as well, but mostly hip hop posses (or wannabes.) god. one can only take it for so long. you're a champ!
I have to go to Allentown for hip hop posses. Here I can only get the sullen thugs, in groups of two or three, with their ball caps way too large, the brims perfectly flat.

Also, the flocks of grizzled old grey birds, every one of them wearing a Members Only jacket.
2 Things
1. There are not many things for which I can say I have "claim to fame", but roasting marshmallows is one of them. This roaster is an abomination to the old-school craft of "schmallowing". As I look at my son and my city surroundings, I realize it is of utmost importance that I must pass on the secrets of this craft. Yes, the makers of the devil machine are correct in that turning is required, but the frequency of the turning is determined by the hot coal and/or wood. I can't say too much more, other than the finished product should be 50% larger than started, no burns*, and should slide off the WOODEN stick leaving only a faint trace of the creamy goodness encased within the outer skin.

* This is one reason I scream at the television when I'm alone and that Bailey's Cream commercial comes on. Nevermind the fact that people sitting around a campfire do NOT drink Bailey's cream (not even my geh friends would do that), but they plunge BURNING marshmallows into the Baileys. I'd be like "wtf, dood! now there's blackened shit floating in my drink" then I would likely toss it in her face, sleeping bag her and take her out into the middle of the woods and dump her for being so stupid and nasty.

On a lighter note, I attended the mall yesterday morning to complete the holiday groceries. Now I knew it was going to be crowded and I do hate crowds. So rather than begin the dreaded errand in a funk, I decided to play a mind trick on myself. I grabbed my grocery/laundry buggy, hit the road and began singing - out loud - "Singing in the Rain" ala Alex in "A Clockwork Orange". I sang while people bumped into me, I sang while I bumped into other people, I squealed with delight at the discovery of pre-cut butternut squash in the produce section, no egg nog left? I sang even louder, I blew a kiss at the nasty old critter purposely blocking my way out the doors with my food-laden buggy. I sang and I sang until I reached home. I did all of this without the assistance of drugs and/or Bailey's Cream. Until such malls make it a policy to hand out free Xanax at the doors, I think I'll make it a habit.

Merry, merry.