My penis and I are way too intimate

So, I went to the movies last night. Decided to see two films. My Friday night in a small town. Yeah, that's right ladies. This stud is AVAILABLE!

I pulled into the theater parking lot and I see the blue bus that contains the juvenile delinquents from around here. They come from some halfway house or prison or some other place that deals with "disadvantaged children." I let out an audible groan. It sounded like this -- "Oh Fuck ME!" They ship these kids out every Friday or Saturday night to see a movie. I think they let them pick their own movie but if it was me I'd make those little abused fuckers watch only Nicole Kidman movies. That would stop their whining. I was in the ticket line - "Please not my movie. Please not my movie." Sure enough, some of them came into my theater and sat right next to me. I want to say that they were little ladies and gentlemen, every one. They said please and thank you. They were quiet through the whole film. None of them did the nasty with each other in the seats. I think one of them farted, though. Bastards.

The first film I saw was Resident Evil: Apocalypse. I really want to have the sex with Milla Jovovich but I'm afraid she'd snap my Mr Happy off at the root like a dry twig. Not that that's a bad thing, necessarily. Oh, and let me say that I really hate commercials before the movie. If I want to know how Pepsi-Cola and feminine itch products will make my life better while I drive a shiny new car 237 miles per hour on city streets I'll just watch my old friend Mr Television, okay? Apparently the director of Hesitant Weevil, I mean Resident Evil, is Alexander Witt. This guy has a tooth fetish. He's obsessed with the choppers, man. All the monsters in this movie have gigantic pointy teeth. They all look like your geeky 8 year old cousin when Dad is trying to get the family shot and bellows, "Say, cheeeeese!!!" (mmmm, cheese) The whole film is gaping mouths and squishy sucking sounds as some hero gets bit on an extremity. Alexander Witt was a director of photography on Hannibal, also. I just looked at Alexander Witt's photo on IMDB. He's not smiling. Yep. He's obviously a cannibal, and he hates his own teeth. Anyhoo, the plot makes little sense. I was just there to see two skinny chicks flex their model muscles, anyway. Hey, does everyone in Hollywood know kung-fu? Are they going to do a remake of Wuthering Heights with flying sword fights? Milla Jovovich doesn't know kung-fu. You can always tell when somebody doesn't know how to movie fight by how they cut the fight scenes. Quick, underlit, blurry flashes with loud noises. WHAM! POW! SOCK! CRUNCH! I can't see what's happening! Incidentally, Biker Chicks in Zombie Town part 6, otherwise known as this movie, was filmed in Toronto. Let me tell you something. I've been to Toronto. There really are zombies there. I think they're all in the University district.

After all the undead got blown up with a nuclear (noo kyu lar) missle, and the end credits rolled, and the juvenile delinquents went back to whatever hell on earth they came from I went to Taco Bell. I had a little time between shows and I wanted to load up and get even for the rankness of whoever did the SBD (Silent But Deadly) while I was watching the raw hamburger covered dobermans. It just occurred to me that the theater might have been testing smell-o-vision or something to make the movie a more immersive experience. Zombies smell like farts, dude! There were four teenage lesbians at Taco Bell. Is it a requirement in lesbian couples that one of them be fat, gross, and ugly? I'm just asking. Really blows the fantasy for us horny net geeks, n'est pas?

The second film, which was sparsely attended strangely, was Ass Captain and the World of Uranus, I mean Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. I really liked this movie but that's because I'm a luser with a capital Geek. If you like the original King Kong, and the Max Fleisher Superman cartoons of the early 40's and old sci-fi robots and fedoras and art deco then this is the film for you. The whole film was sepia toned or whatever you call it. It was a total homage to the serials of the 30's and 40's. Mad scientists, dashing heros, beautiful heroines, trusty sidekicks. Ray guns! Rocket ships! Yowza! This film needed to be seen in one of the old movie theaters they used to have in every downtown. Portland, Oregon has a few of these theaters preserved. Check em out. The 100 screen cineplex is no way to see a movie, man. Is it just me or does it always look like Gwyneth Paltrow is going to commit suicide the instant the director yells, "Cut!!" I've never seen that woman look happy. I've seen basset hounds and big eyed children painted on black velvet look more chipper. Angelina Jolie is another one who would grind my meat missle into boudin sausage if I ever attempted to penetrate her heavenly jade gate. I don't care, though, because I now have an Asian fetish. Who am I kidding, I've always had an Asian fetish. I involuntarily mutter "epicanthic fold" whenever I'm in Chinatown. Bai Ling, man. She was Ms. East in Wild Wild West. She was also that witch chick in The Crow. More kung-fu from Bai Ling as the mysterious assassin in this movie. Gwyneth Paltrow would know kung-fu if she wasn't so busy contemplating whether to do herself with poison or a gat. Seriously, though. The last scene in the movie. Seriously. Dude. Righteous.

So now I've seen all the movies I wanted to see this weekend. Thank Zeus for Netflix. I'm one of those pansies who still has to see movies in a theater. It's the whole experience. The smell of buttered popcorn, the big dark room, the giant screen, the shared experience. I would try working in the film industry if I wasn't so apathetic and lazy.
  • Current Mood: geeky