Snot funny

The other day I was having a bit of supper while my unmentionables were going through the rinse cycle down at the laundromat. A man and a woman were standing at the bar, waiting to pay their bill. The bartender said something funny and the woman laughed. She was one of those who mashes the whole laugh up into one loud exclamation.    HA!!    Scared the bejeezus out of me.

She reminded me of my father who also had a deafening laugh that was liable to strike you unawares when you least expected it. That was my father in a nutshell. Quiet as the tomb until something struck him funny or made him angry, then loud as a jet plane with a megaphone. If you gave my father an air horn he would use it to good effect, laughing like a 10 story tall hyena. Ambush comedy, that was my father's style.

I remember one Sunday drive when my sister and I were still young. We sat in the back, of course, and my mother was up front in the passenger seat. She had never learned how to drive a car but, brother, she drove the family, if you get me.

Anyway, my father took to sneezing. He decided to exaggerate one of his sneezes to be funny. When he felt one coming he leaned way back in his seat and then launched his head forward slingshot-like at the moment of the sneeze, screaming ACHOO!!!, and firing the biggest wad of spittle and nose goblins I've ever seen all over the windshield! It was hideous! It was semi-opaque! It was moving! It was right out of The Blob (both the remake and the original!)!

Simultaneously my sister and I rolled down our windows, she with an overwhelming desire to upchuck her Sunday dinner on passing motorists in the other lane, me with an unquenchable need to yak into the culvert while mailboxes wooshed by at 70 miles an hour, threatening to bash my young skull in.

My mother was digging in her shiny white purse, hollering, "Oh Joe! What the H-E-L-L is wrong with you (my mother always spelled swear words)!" She pulled out a tissue and gave it to my father. It disintegrated instantly upon contact with the mega-loogie, adding to the overall grossness. My father was blinded by comedy induced expectorant! We were screaming down some 1960's era Florida back road and good old dad couldn't see a thing. In a panic he even turned on the windshield wipers! If it hadn't been for the murderous mail boxes I could have given directions between bouts of vomiting.

Fortunately, my father always carried a handkerchief and, eventually, things were set to rights.

My father never sneezed again.


That's probably what killed him, eventually.
  • Current Mood: air horn
I was snickering lightly to myself right up until i hit "My father never sneezed again.


Then I just lost it :)