Wally World

I am making a resolution never to go to Wal-Mart ever again. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's a sin to go to Wal-Mart and if I was still a Catholic I would be ex-communicated. If I were to go to confession I imagine it would go something like this:

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned. It has been at least 20 years since my last confession. Last time I was here, the priest du jour dumped me because he was late for Easter mass!
Priest: I see. Go ahead my son.
Me: Well, father, I took the Lord's name in vain.
Priest: Mm, hmmm....
Me: And, uh... I... buggered a school boy.
Priest: You big silly! I mean... for SHAME! (child-like tittering coming from priest's side of the confessional)
Me: Also... well....
Priest: Speak up, my son. God is listening.
Me: Golly father, I... I went to Wal-Mart.
Priest: Faith and begorrah ya heathen! (child-like shrieks coming from priest's side of the confessional) How dare you bring your mortal sin into the house of God! You're a debbil and you're goin' straight to the hot place, do ya hear me! Jesus, Mary and Joseph, get thee behind me Satan! Look, sure and ye've frightened me poor altar boys to death! Go on with ya now! Out! There there now Timmy. Go on back to the rectory and I'll be along in a minute to tuck ya in, lad.

So, anyway, stepping away from the Bizarro World that is my mind for a moment; is everybody in Wal-Mart retarded? Well, I was there and I certainly am so, yep, I reckon. I swear to all the hoary gods there was a woman in the check-out line next to mine who was saying, and I quote, "Ubbah dubbah, ooby wub". She was whipping her head around and rolling her eyes. Also blood spat from her fingers. Well not really the last bit but it could have happened!

And may I say that they don't make the aisles wide enough? I was trying to get from the electronics department, where the hose monsters were purchasing their NASCAR videos, to the sports department, the tent aisle of which is where they buy their winter wardrobe. All this because I was out of deodorant. From now on I'm going to K-Mart.
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