The sweet zombie jesus sent me a letter!!

Alright, so we see here that God still has faith in the US postal system. The Sweet Zombie Jesus, however, decided to just LOAN ME this letter. You will find that Jesus is MAD CRAZY for red felt tip pen. I think he was sniffing the pen while he was writing me this blessed letter. That he LOANED ME. How did I get on HIS BLESSED mailing list anyway? I think one of my neighbors slipped this one into my mailbox.

Ok, so, apparently this letter isn't specifically from the sweet zombie Jesus but, rather, from some people in Oklahoma. I'm trying to figure out if the underlined words are some kind of code or something. Amen.

Right, so here's page one. There's three more pages so if you're bored then go away now.

Check out the greeting, "Dear...Someone Connected with This House," It's like they were pausing to use divination or something but sweet, sweet zombie Jesus didn't tell them my name. I'm wondering why they feel it important to note the ages of their prayer group. Are they suggesting that God won't let them die until they send out a certain number of paper bible faith handkerchiefs? It's like God took a lesson from the Wal-Mart business plan.

Also, can any holy rollers on my flist tell me why they specifically say, and emphatically repeat, that I should print my name, by faith, in the center of my paper bible faith handkerchief? What's with the by faith? Hmm? Is that a euphemism for telekinesis?

The instructions on this letter are so involved! It's like Publishers Clearing House. Where are the stamps and stickers that I'm supposed to affix to my special holy coupons and stuff?

Ah ha! Page 2 is where these wonderful people in Christ make their pitch, using appropriate bible passages to emphasize that you have to give in order to receive. Sneaky Christians!

Everyone make note of the check boxes at the bottom of this page. I'm puzzled by the one that says, "Pray for my family and me for... Confusion In My Home" Is there anyone reading who doesn't already have plenty of this? Also, a pitch like this would not be complete without A NEW CAR!

Next come the customer testimonials!!

My favorite item (because I'm perverted) on this page of testimonials is in the paragraph entitled "Son in Law Is Off Dope." The second to last sentence says, "God touched my daughter's body." Dudes! Yahweh is a total hound! But we knew this. The last paragraph on the right seems to have some really heavy editing. They changed "unexpected blessing" to say "(large) unexpected (financial) blessing." Christians don't need money do they?

This is my favorite page because pictures speak 1000 words. Amen.

First, observe the plethora of headgear! The ancient, biblical Oklahomans were all about hat variety! You will all note that the ancient, biblical Oklahoman women are properly standing BEHIND the menfolk as they take a break from being pregnant and barefoot while observing the miracle that is about to occur. The bald guy wearing the circus tent is clearly in charge. He's holding his paper bible faith handkerchief over the ancient, biblical Oklahoman hippy and it appears that he's either going to wrap it around the hippy like a diaper (I think they called this swaddling), or he's going to slap it over the hippy's face and smother him. Oh! The woman on the right looks extremely doubtful and no doubt turned into a pillar of salt an instant after this picture was drawn.

And now, what you've been waiting for, my PAPER BIBLE FAITH HANDKERCHIEF! Straight from the sweet zombie Jesus.

You know, I'm thinking of writing my ex-boss's name and address on this and sending it back. Only problem is I'm supposed to get a wonderful toy surprise if I send it back and I'm dying to know what it is! I think it's a magazine subscription, actually.

I hope you all enjoyed my extra special letter, straight from Jesus (who now, apparently, lives in Oklahoma) and that it was worth the download. The end.
  • Current Mood: blessed
Your investigation shows that they mail these things to neighborhoods known for their poverty and lack of education. By the oddest of coincidences the children of The Woman Who Screams Fuck™ were playing downstairs earlier. They were playing "McDonalds". One child would stroll up to the window and say, "beeeep" and the other would call out, "Welcome to McDonalds, how may I help you?" Not so ironically, this is their future. Their entire future.

Also, I like your prayer mat better than my bible faith handkerchief. I wonder what kind of research determined that a hanky was better than a prayer mat.
children of The Woman Who Screams Fuck™ were playing downstairs earlier.

OMG! Are you my neighbor? Of course, I call the Woman Who Screams Fuck™ Spazarella.
this qualifies as "Best Comment Ever"

lololollll ooooh, man. what happened to the good ol' days of 'GI Joe' and 'Barbie'?....hey..waitaminute....
you of course need to sketch S&M porn all over that thing and send it back. The sweet baby (zombie) Jesus will forgive you.

Oh yes, porn would be the perfect thing to sketch, Zombie Jesus and a sheep in carnal bliss is just the thing. I think I saw some of this actual porn just the other day on the internet. Hold it...
I just looked up "jesus" and "sex" on google images and came up with 630 hits but I did not peruse them because that would be BLASPHEMOUS and lazy on your part if I do all the work for you, although if you mention my name perhaps I will get blessed too.
your fabulous.
done. I tried of couple of ways, surprisingly (i guess...) typing in "sex with jesus" (in quotes) pulls up nothing, while "jesus sex" (also in quotes) only gets 5 images. a couple of them look a little like mugshots.

these are the most compelling images images pulled from my 'jesus sex' (no quotes) search, conveniently posted here for everyone's reference:

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this guy's all about sex n' JC:
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Re: your fabulous.
That last guy IS JC. Look at one of his minions dressed in blue and white by his head.
It says to "give God your best seed". You know what to do...and be sure to mail the handkerchief on their dime.
They did give me a SASE. What do you think they would do if I sent a spoonful of Hellman's with a note that said, "Dear Sweet Zombie Jesus, I prayed very hard in order to give you my very best seed. So here it is, in your holy name. Love and kisses."
Well, I was thinking more along the lines of sending the handkerchief back, yet it miraculously stands up by itself. Then again the lovin' spoonful could work, too.
How freakin' hilarious!! I have now stolen the phrase, "sweet, zombie Jesus." Hope you don't mind. ;)
Oh crap! I adore your commentary, if I had laughed half as hard as I felt like, I would have gotten kicked out of the library.