Trichechus manatus cubefarmius

Dear Manatee in the next cube,

I hate you!

Stop eating at your desk, you sea cow, cud chewing, 1976 haircut wearing, geek uniform of the day means goatees forever bro, elephantine dweeb! What is it with you and salted peanuts in a can? Do you own stock in Planters? Rattle, rattle, rattle of the metal can, and crunch, crunch, crunch with your mouth open, you abhorrent cerdo gigante! You chupacabre of legumes!

Yeah, you know what? You are going to get a look of loathing from me when you swill liter bottles of soda without using a glass. Where are your manners? Cutting out the middle man, are we? Fucker, you ate the middle man, right along with all that junk you get out of the vending machine!

You know why you have that phlegm that makes you clear your throat and give that ineffectual weak cough all day long, every day? Right! It's because you eat poison all day long, every day! kaff ahem kaff ahem kaff ahem Hock it the fuck up and spit it out! It's also why you have to take pills and why you have to run a fan in this freezing cold office. I'm taking bets on which will give out first, your chair or your heart.

Listen, dugong, I know you're the quintessential nerd found in every single tech support facility in the western world, but it's time to update your equipment. I don't care if that is your favorite keyboard! They stopped making them in 1983! The thing is steam powered! It has vacuum tubes! clack clack clack ka-chunk! clack clack clack ka-chunk! It's the loudest keyboard I have ever heard! Was it made by Underwood? Is it full of crumbs from the remains of all the birds and small mammals that came too close to your gaping maw?

Am I being insensitive? Unnecessarily cruel? Boo fuckin' hoo. You want to eat yourself to death, do it on your own time, Jabba. The barn where you learned comportment is that-a-way, you detestable distended dinner pail! You fetid, fleshy feedbag! You objectionable, overflowing appetite with flippers!

Go away.
  • Current Mood: appalled
That is the best thing I have read all month!!

Please come to my office and write hate mail to my irritating co-workers?