Seaslug of Doom (seaslug_of_doom) wrote,
Seaslug of Doom

  • Mood:

In which our hero learns what's happening in corporate America

The good news of the day: I was able to tighten my belt by one notch, today, and the pants I wore were loose.

The bad news of the day: I wore dark brown socks with my black pants and grey shirt because I can't see anymore.

So, after the gym, tonight, I stopped into the disheartening, dirt scuffed Wal*Mart in Martinez. I discovered that our corporate overlords are confusing Easter with Christmas and offering Easter Baskets with toys for purchase or purloin. Nascar toy cars were strongly represented, as were little toy basketballs and hoops. I couldn't see what kind of Easter baskets there were for the ladies (When you read that, say it in your head with the voice of Zapp Brannigan from Futurama. That's the only entertainment you're getting from this post.).

You know those goldfish crackers? Tiny little fish shaped things? Eat a whole box before you realize it? Get yellow cheese product plutonium dust on your hands? They come in colors now; red, purple, orange, etc. I don't know if that's for Easter or if Pepperidge Farm is practicing diversity.

The back of one of the goldfish boxes had a little maze game on it, which caught my eye and was solved in three seconds. No sense challenging little minds. The box also had four fish characters printed on it.

The leader of the little fish was named Finn. He was wearing shiny mirrored sunglasses which reflected a sort of oily rainbow. His forehead was round and bulbous, suggesting a dolphin or whale, and he had a bright, engaging grin. Behind him was another fish named Xtreme. Xtreme had arching eyebrows, a fierce glint in his eye, a bright orange color and a strongly back-sloping forehead which suggested both streamlining and Xtreme stupidity. There were dusty orange lines drawn behind him suggesting xtreme speed or maybe a skin disease. Next came Brooke, the only female fish. Brooke had a neutral smile. Brooke had vacant eyes. Brooke had big eyelashes. Brooke looked harmless and nondescript and pale yellow and maybe even virginal, which is how American men like their crackers... I mean fish... I mean women. I guess. Then there was Gilbert. Gilbert was smiling tentatively. There was caution in his eyes. There were spots on his skin which were either pimples or ick. It did not surprise me at all that Gilbert was at the back of the line. Gilbert will always be at the back of lines because his parents call him Gilbert instead of Gil (Gil! Get it?! HA HA [When you read that ha ha, say it in your head with the voice of Christopher Walken.]). Gilbert is the fish who doesn't quite fit in. Gilbert is the fish who might bring a spear gun to school some day and make him some fish sticks, know w'um sayin'? I wondered why the marketing department at Pepperidge Farm decided to color Gilbert a darker brown. By the way, those names are trademarked so don't be naming your pet fish Gilbert, or anything, or Pepperidge Farm, which has a long memory, so I understand, will hunt you down and make you cease and desist.

Oh, the little maze game on the back. When I squinted at it, because I can't read anything under a nine point font anymore, I saw that the instructions said, "Help Brooke lead her friends back to their home...     UNDER THE BED!" Under the bed? Why do Pepperidge Farm goldfish live under your bed? I suppose their website has some sort of back story but I can't imagine it makes any sense.

So what did we learn today? We learned that Easter is just exactly like Christmas and all the kiddies should get presents, and we learned that crunchy salty little goldfish crackers are waiting for you to go to sleep so they can swim up your nostrils and into your ears.

Sweet dreams, everbubby!
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.