angry purple

In which our hero thanks god it's Friday

To the dude who flosses in the second floor men's restroom:

You know, that's a really healthy thing you're doing there but (1) Gross! Tooth gunk on mirror! and (2) the only one who is going to appreciate your particular brand of OCD is your mother when she calls down to the basement in her house, where you live, for you to come up to supper, you skinny, nervous little whippet!

To the people on the street in their rusted out POS old Buicks with brand new shiny rims who honk their car horn one billionth of a second after the light turns from red to green:

I am going to fucking kill you! I am going to bring a slingshot and a can full of marbles up to this second floor office and I am going to give you your very own personal meteor shower and knock out all your crooked-ass teeth cause you don't floss like skinny OCD boy up there! And turn that radio down!

To the other dude who came to work this morning in blue jeans, this being casual Friday, I guess:

Why did you change into short khaki pants? Such short pants! I did not need to see those bristly pipe cleaners you call legs. Man, your legs are like spoiled milk - white and chunky.
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There is a woman who works on the same floor as I do who seems to always be in the bathroom brushing AND flossing her damn teeth. The other day, she had nail clippers sitting on the edge of the sink too. I feel your pain.
Take a deep breath. Relax. It sounds like CA life is causing too much stress - really. : )