In which our hero manages his intake yet has questionable output

As part of my effort to get fit, initiated because I can probably do the truffle shuffle with accuracy, I've started a diet.

The owner of the little gym I belong to laid it out for me, calorie by calorie, 'cause no way do I have the discipline for something like that. In order to make it as convenient as possible, and so that I develop good habits as a result, and because I'm a big baby, he even told me exactly what food to buy starting out. Fortunately or unfortunately, however you look at it, the food he outlined is mostly at Trader Joe's.

Now, Trader Joe's is not a place in which I often shop (meaning never) so this whole get-in-shape thing is becoming an entire change-of-lifestyle thing. To anyone else I suppose that would have been obvious, but my middle name is Duh.

As a practicing misanthrope I am uncertain which I like less, the shambling dope fiends and victims of nuclear fallout at Wally World or the frenetic, excitable, khaki wearing, hybrid driving, just a touch of ennui, WASPs cum hippies at Trader Joe's. Just based on the number of adjectives one can make a guess, but that's only because I went shopping on a Sunday afternoon with every other Old Navy wearing troglodyte in Concord, CA.

Getting back to the diet, it seems to be in keeping with current standards. I'm eating five smaller meals of healthy food instead of the two of crap I was having. This week I'm having four egg whites and one whole egg, scrambled, along with a half-cup of oatmeal with a bit of honey, for breakfast. For lunch I'm having about four or five ounces of chicken or fish with a dark green vegetable. I'll have it either with half a pita or brown rice. Same thing for supper. In between, at mid-morning and mid-afternoon, I'm having 10 raw almonds and a protein shake. I'm eating 20 nuts a day. I swear to Christ I'm going to sashay my ass right down to the middle of the Castro and holler that in the street, "I eat 20 nuts a day!" and see what kind of snark that gets me. Oh, and I can have some cottage cheese and fruit for a late night snack if I want. Frankly, I'm already cheating. I had some pineapple this afternoon, and I'm going to have the rice balls my Japanese friend made me for supper. So today I'm eating nuts and balls. I'm such a grownup.

Oh yeah, all the water I have to drink! Now, I've never been big on the fluid intake so suddenly having to drink whole rivers dry is the biggest challenge for me. I'm peeing every five minutes! On the plus side, I can go on a long road trip with any woman in America and not take issue with pulling in at every rest stop.

So, the recent full moon, coupled with the eclipse, seems to have brought out all the wackadoos. In the news, Mr. Starey McStaring-Person who took breaking up with his wife WAY too literally and left her broken up all over the Michigan woods. Then you've got Sky King doing his own personal little 9/11 on his in-law's house. Only problem there, he decided to take a passenger. I do not get it. One benefit: not a word on Anna Nicole Smith. They planted her and that's that. Until the books and movies and tribute shows on E! come out anyway.

So, to sum up, I'm fat and everyone else is crazy.
Good luck on the diet ;) - just started one myself.

Your description of Trader Joe's was spot on in my experience btw -
I'm fat AND crazy!

Oh, and I also cheat on my diet to the tune of a big, fat chocolate brownie. Therefore, don't sweat the pineapple and rice balls. It could be much, MUCH worse. I'm sure my scale will explode in the morning.