Seaslug of Doom (seaslug_of_doom) wrote,
Seaslug of Doom

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CSI: Wal-Mart

I went to Wally World, today, to get a jug of oil for my car and a jug of milk for me when, suddenly, a furtive movement caught my eye. A fat guy in a yellow button down shirt was stumbling his way quickly down the kitchenware aisle, bent over almost in half at the waist, and peering through the gaps between the toasters into the next row, which was pet supplies.

A moment later I noticed a woman two rows down, also trying to be sneaky and also looking into the pet aisle.

Of course I realized immediately what was happening when I saw a sole shopper, pushing a cart, down said pet aisle. It was the store dicks trying to catch a shoplifter! This I had to see.

The store dicks moved into men's wear and I followed, whistling innocently. The fat guy in the yellow shirt was bobbing and weaving through the clothes racks, still bent over, and peeking through the hanging Wrangler jeans. His companion was less blatant but still so obviously doing something other than normal that both of them were attracting much more than my attention. At this point another store employee, with a two-way radio on her hip, joined the hunt. I was totally, "I wanna play!"

I started ducking and sneaking through menswear, following the store dicks who were ducking and sneaking and following the shopper with the cart. I edged closer and closer, hiding behind anything convenient whenever the dicks looked my way.

Finally, I worked my way right up behind the woman with the two-way radio. Her head whipped around and she stared at me, wide eyed and apparently shocked that someone had snuck up on her while she was trying to sneak up on someone else.

"Hey, you were watching them and I was watching you!" I said.

"Oh, ha ha" she laughed.

"I wanted to see what would happen." I told Jolene Friday, the store dick.

"Oh, sometimes these things take hours" she replied.

Apparently my attempt to out-dick the store dicks was enough to make them give up the whole enterprise because all the dicks just petered out. I can imagine the radio call... "Uhh, Deputy Dawg to Secret Squirrel, Deputy Dawg to Secret Squirrel. The pigeon has flown. I say again, the pigeon has flown. Let's go beat up the door greeter. Over and out."

I guess I aided and abetted a crime.

Meanwhile, more tantalizing tidbits from the wildebeest lair next door.

"YOU BASTAAARD!!!" came ripping through the wall between our apartments a few moments ago. "I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELLLLL!!!!"

I could hear a low pitched male voice mumbling something or other over there.

"I'LL GET UP, YOU SON OF A BIIIIIIITCH!!!" Whatever that means. Then someone walked out the front door. Dang it. Spoiling my fun.

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