seaslug

Windy goths of October

Combination of cold weather and hurricane feeder bands had a touch of snow in the air tonight. Boo, snow! If I was Ned Flanders I'd probably be saying I was gettin' a Nor'easter up my keister, Homer! Shut up, Flanders!

Whenever I'm feeling a bit down I go to the mall to people watch. Always turns my frown upside down. Also bought a bathroom scale while I was there and NO I'm not going to tell you how much I weigh. I will tell you what the cats weigh, though. My small backup cat, Darby is about 6-7 pounds and my large primary cat, Webster, weighs 16 pounds!!!

The goths were at the mall tonight. There was a little short sucker with one of those voluminous black coats that they like to wear. Practically dragging the ground. Why is it always the short guys who wear those coats? Don't they know those coats make them look like deranged hobbits? Anyway, Gothy McGotherson was wearing a shirt that said VAMPIRE and was getting cash from the bank machine. Does anybody else think a goth with a bank account is a bit unusual?

There was another goth kid walking along, a real pudgy one with black stringy hair. He looked like the Pillsbury Dough Boy would, just finishing swallowing Kelly Osbourne, feet first, like a big pasty python. This one had on a black hoody that said REVENGE on the front. Revenge against who? Krispy Kreme? Oooo, snap! Oh no she di'unt!

This time of year is when the calendar kiosks pop up in the mall hallways. There were all the usual calendars with cats and dogs and landscapes. There was one with front porches. jackiejj's house should have been on that one. They even had a calendar with outhouses. Outhouses! Twelve months of toilets! A proliferation of primitive porta-potties!

So what other kinds of ridiculous things can they make calendars about? How about the twelve most common tropical diseases? April can be elephantiasis, May can be malaria, June can be dengue fever. Or how about 12 months of minor characters from Tolstoy's War & Peace?

That's it. I'm starting my own meme. You have to come up with Stupid Calendars for 2006.
  • Current Mood: weighty
In no particular order, my suggestions for Stupid Calendars for 2006:

~Hemmoragic (sp) Fevers of the Month
~12 Largest Potholes in America
~12 Most Frequent Harry Potter Fan/Slash Fic Plots
~Mullet O' The Month
~Alphabet Soup spelling out each month
You're a genius.

Garbage Dumps of the World

The Crabgrass Calendar--a dozen elegantly photographed portraits of lawns even worse than yours

A Fenderbender a Day Calendar

Twelve Concrete Structures that Might Contain Jimmy Hoffa

Pre-Chewed: The Calendar
I could go for a Lions Laying Down With Lambs calendar featuring these pairs snuggling:

a scorpion and a bunny
Pat Robertson and Cher
Leona Helmsley and Clay Aiken
etc.

capital!

How about:
Kim Jong Il and Donny Osmond (actually that's not so far-fetched)
Joseph Conrad and Danielle Steele
Da sweet baby Jeebus and Danny Bonaduce
Loving 'em, loving 'em.

Rush Limbaugh and Dakota Fanning
"Taxi Driver" De Niro and Lawrence Welk
Stalin and John Denver
Imelda Marcos and Gilligan
Possible New Planets

Also, peoplewatching just makes me more depressed. It confirms my view that we have entered the end days of civilization. Screaming brats, teenagers dressed like hookers, stores indistiguishable from any other mall in the country full of cheap shit... bah.
Thank you for making me laugh very hard and out loud!

Felt great.
Here's some lame ideas for calendars:

Traffic-Light-A-Day
12 Gangrened Limbs
The 12 Months of Christmas -- c'mon, it's bound to happen
365 Mall Goths

That's all I got right now because I, uh, just hit my head on my desk. That seriously just happened.





Stupid Calendar ideas:
Twelve months of power tools (you know, I bet people would buy that one)
Walmarts of the World
In-Progress Knitting, with pictures of half-finished hand-knitted items (April could be an unfinished Easter dress, August an unfinished tank top, December an unfinished stocking). I might buy it.

Speaking of in-progress knitting, I wonder if there's a market for partly knitted stuff for people who want to be trendy knitters but who don't want to learn to knit. They could carry a pair of needles, about six inches of knitted scarf, and a ball of yarn in the top of their bags and fit right in.

I have a co-worker who thinks "goth" equals "Satanist." I told her it actually equals "loser."
The power tools one is totally a reality except they always include scantily clad women holding the power tool du jour.

Also, I think you've got some marketable ideas there.