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Resolute II

So, my topic today is New Years resolutions, just like everybody else on LJ. I'm told that the ancient Babylonians recorded resolutions four thousand years ago. Where are they now? This is one reason why, this year, as in years previous, I'm making no resolutions. Of course, the major reason is I'm an apathetic, lazy, nihilistic scoundrel.

I did a little Google glance at New Years resolutions. As I expected, many of the results came from business and finance websites. Besides being capitalist, greedy mother fuckers, those folks are seriously Type A, with huge sticks up their asses. In other words, they're goal oriented. The major catch phrases there were "making opportunity", "tapping potential", and "increasing profit".

I was surprised by the parallels I saw between Esther Derby's (great name) resolutions for managers over at computerworld.com and Peg Aloi's (another great name), a pagan over at witchvox.com. For instance, Esther says to define daily goals to counteract the endless to-do list. Peg tells us to live in the moment and "do not worry about the future." Esther suggests we "Invest in You". Peg finds this one more important because she has three resolutions - a) be good to yourself, b) accept and love yourself, and c) be proud to be a witch. For the resolution "Create Time for Reflection" Esther used the example of her colleague who increased her management efficiency by taking time for reflection while using her breast pump, alone in her office, after maternity leave. Peg the pagan doesn't specifically mirror this one but she does say to be fully aware of your surroundings, be good to the planet, and be open to other beliefs. It does seem that Peg has the same frugal mentality as the business types, though, because she also resolves to "Remember that life lived simply is beautiful." My faith in Peg is restored when I see that her last resolution is to "Let it all go."

Blaise K., at blacktable.com, one of the seemingly numberless hip New York chicks out there, had a hip New Years resolution list that I found to be very hip. Also hip.
Stop fucking women. They're as bad as men, so stick with the cocks that come naturally.
Re-stock contents of my nightstand drawer.
Smoke like a chimney, lighting one cigarette off another at all times.
Quit writing articles with two-hour deadlines for zero pay.
Be more self-absorbed: All me, all the time.
Get someone else to put up those shelves and finally paint the living room.
Start going for musicians again. Maybe that really was a good idea.
Stay home more. Parties are totally overrated. I see more hot straight guys on Tivo.
Exercise? I smoke way too much for that nonsense.
On the geek front, Tom at tomshardware.com, an uber-geek if ever there was one, was very practical.
When presented with a choice of Carmen Electra, Peace on Earth, and an nForce board for Christmas, we resolve to choose the former for purely practical reasons. Peace on Earth is unattainable and apparently, so is an nForce board. So, go with Carmen and play it safe.
But the folks over at jamaicans.com had my favorite resolution, in authentic patois:
Wi mus all memba sey God in all Im glory tek 6 days fi complete di worl han one New Years resolution won't change a flipping ting.
Yeah, you right! So, those of you who are resolving to save money or lose weight or whatever, I wish you luck. Me, I never took up smoking, I gave up the pot and the magic mushrooms years ago, I hardly ever drink anymore and, frankly, masturbation is getting pretty dull most times. The only thing I'm addicted to now is oreo cookies and I'm not giving those up. Ask me again on Chinese New Year.
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