angry purple

My Review of The Dark Knight (summed up in one sentence)

I'm going to give the shortest review of The Dark Knight on record. But first, a few words from someone who is old as fuck and clearly out of date and out of touch.

People of America, when discussing, in print, things that are, or are about to be, lost; in the present tense the word is spelled L-O-S-E. It is not spelled L-O-O-S-E.

Let me give you an example: "Every day, in every way, I feel more and more strongly that I am about to lose it! That is because I have a screw loose, upstairs."

Now, is that so hard, you narcoleptic nincompoops?

This evening, at Half Price Books, while standing in line to make a purchase, the 30-something, buff, handsome man who, along with his 9 year old daughter, was waiting ahead of me, undressed, with his eyes, a passing pretty teenage girl. Men of America, when you surreptitiously ogle women, thinking that no one will notice, you are totally fucking wrong! Everyone fucking sees you doing it, including me, who is old as fuck and needs glasses, and including the woman you ogled, who can see you out of the back of her fucking head! And if your wife had been in the store, she would have known you undressed that teenage girl with your eyes you creepy little turd. If you're going to stare at women, just do it to their face and take the occasional slap. At least you'll be honest.

Also, men of America, after the age of 20? You are not allowed to wear shorts anymore. It makes you look like a child and nobody wants to see your quivering, out-of-shape calves with the hair rubbed off around the ankles from wearing socks most of the time.

Finally, men of America, I know I'm old as fuck, and old fashioned, and almost certainly chauvanistic, but when you are out on a date, or with your wife or partner, you drive the car, not her. When you are sitting in the passenger seat, with your numbskull resting on the head rest, and your arm hanging out the window just prior to it getting whanged off by a street sign, it really makes you look like the loser, not LOOSER, that you truly are.

Which brings me to you, women of America. I know I'm going to get an ear full for this, but please stop with the ingratiating forced smiles whenever a man looks you in the eye, on the street. I know it makes you nervous because they're ogling you behind your back, and this goes for you, too, waitresses in restaurants, but not all of them are dangerous so stop with the fake placation. When you make those smiles it never reaches your eyes, you show too many teeth, it makes the tendons in your neck stand out, and it makes me think that I'm about to get bit. So, stop it! When I catch your eye, on the street, you can keep that neutral expression or frown on your face. I would greatly prefer it because I'm old as fuck and half crazy.

Now that's out of the way, I can give my review of The Dark Knight which I can do in one sentence. -- This is one of the only movies I can think of, in recent memory, that I wanted to see again immediately after the credits rolled.

Okay, a few more sentences. I am going to see it again, but in IMAX. Maybe tomorrow. And Heath Ledger's performance? He should get an Oscar, not because it would make good television to award posthumously for a great performance, but because the performance really was that great. The thing is, we will never see the like of that performance again, for obvious reasons, and this really is a tragedy, and it makes this movie a notable piece of film history, as a result.

After the movie, I had dinner at Englund's Bistro and Tea Room, in Concord. The food was good, the prices extremely reasonable, and they brought me my check slipped into the pages of a tiny 1894 copy of Chaucer's A Knight's Tale. Clever, and a guarantee of a return visit by me, because I'm old as fuck and appreciate things like that.

Okay, that's it, people of America. Now shape the fuck up, will ya?

p.s. I do not know where to put my fucking commas!
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Any woman can tell you that the ingratiating smile is to stop male assholes from coming up to us and instructing us to smile. ("A pretty girl like you shouldn't be frowning! Come on, it's not that bad. Don't look so serious.") As long as a woman is young and reasonably attractive, that shit happens.

Thank God for middle age and morbid obesity, which protect me from being harassed in that way any more.
I'm glad The Slug said it
I'm sorry that there are a bunch of male ... idiots that make your lives so unpleasant, but by contrast, a few of us would rather look a woman (or man, for that matter) in the eye than have our eyes wander all over. First off it's safer, and second, they at least deserve that much respect for just being human.

Sea Slug, thank you for saying it more eloquently than I ever could.