jackass

Mall Report & etc.

"Fuck you, man!" someone hollers behind me.

I turn and see a young man; scraggly beard, scraggly hair, scraggly skin, scraggly clothes; slowly sinking to the sidewalk while simultaneously extending the middle finger of his right hand in the universal hand gesture (except in Great Britain where they give the double fuck you with two fingers, in a waggling gesture much like a probing snake's tongue), so common it no longer seems obscene.

"Fuck you, goddamn Germans!" the scraggly man whimpers. He's not looking at me. He directs his curse at absolutely no one. The sidewalk is otherwise empty.

And then he begins to keen. "Oooooooooo. Ooooooooooo. Help me, please. Help me. Ooooooooo" The way he covers his face with his hand and curls into himself as he lies, supine, on the concrete, he reminds me a great deal of the Wicked Witch of the West, melting away at the touch of agua frio. All he needs is green makeup and a magnificent hat. Right jackiejj?

At the Sun Valley Mall, where I have come in search of a wind breaker, I pause for a bite in what passes for the food court, the place where all mall people are judged. A fine young idiot walks up to the handicap exit and slams the paddle that will open the door. Twice. Hard. Thus, he expends far more energy than if he had just pushed his way through by means of the door handle. Several more of the dim-witted and lazy do the same thing. Like handicap parking spaces, these powered doors are utilized mostly by those with mental challenges rather than physical.

The giant snow globes are fully assembled, ready for November 9, when Santa arrives, no doubt by Humvee or other inappropriate vehicle. This year's commercial endorsement is for Fred Claus, the new Christmas movie. Last year it was Happy Feet. Apparently anything with a winter theme will do. I would find it extremely gratifying if, next year, the theme movie was John Carpenter's The Thing. It has a winter theme, after all. Put the fear of Allah into a few little bastards, that's what I'm talking about, Cap'n.

The business trip I'm taking to Wisconsin, in December, I have decided to extend into a vacation of sorts. I'm going to take Amtrak to Chicago, arriving on the 9th and staying overnight at the Hard Rock, mostly because it's an old art deco building. The next morning I will drive to Madison where I will stay through the week. The next weekend I will head for that paean of profit, that mecca of markets, the Mall of America, where I hope to derive the Mother of All Mall Reports. Monday through Wednesday of the next week I will probably spend, traveling through Wisconsin, possibly going to see Taliesin or the House on the Rock. I've not finalized plans for that (ETA, I note that Taliesin might not even be open in December. Will the weather be that horrible?). The end of the week is once again devoted to business, but Friday I'm returning to Chicago, where I will stay until my train leaves on the afternoon of the 23rd.

Suggestions, recommendations and blatant come ons can be directed here. Threats can be directed care of my attorney.
  • Current Mood: anticipatory
Did I ever miss the Mall Report. And, let me add, I can't wait for the Mall of America Report!