angry purple

And as in uffish thought he stood

Recently, I bought a chair for $10. It is the most uncomfortable chair in the world. My ass has been crippled by this chair.

I needed a chair and, like all civilized people, I went shopping at Wal*Mart. By chance I immediately saw a chair (and matching ottoman!) at the end of the furniture aisle. There was no price in evidence. I decided that this chair (and matching ottoman!) would do nicely in my apartment. I dragged it out into the aisle and started on my way towards checkout. "Do you need help with that?" said the only helpful clerk in Wal*Mart history. She was immediately beaten and fired.

The cashier in the checkout line scanned my chair (and matching ottoman!). "$10" said the register. She tried another barcode on the box. "$10" it responded. She tried a third barcode. "$10". She tried a fourth barcode!. "Does not compute, Will Robinson." it said. The cashier refused to believe that the chair (and matching ottoman!) could be only $10. Frankly, I didn't believe it either.

A manager was called. "Did you scan all the barcodes?" The manager scanned all the barcodes. "$10" The manager refused to believe that the chair (and matching ottoman!) could be only $10. Off she went, to the furniture aisle, to discover for herself the true price of the chair (and matching... yeah, yeah).

I waited patiently, standing along the wall at the end of the checkout line. A woman, who had just wanted to buy stamps, waited with me. "If the barcode says $10 they should give you the chair for $10!" she said to me. I just shrugged. "All I wanted to do was buy stamps, but my cashier told me, in a snooty voice, 'Oh, we don't have any' but then the manager said they did. Can you believe that cashier?" I thought to myself, "Hey, lady, this is Wal*Mart, not Target."

Another manager in a tan vest showed up. "Did you scan just this barcode?" "No, I scanned all the bar codes." The manager in the tan vest turned and walked away. "They should really just give you that chair (and... ) for $10." said the woman wanting stamps. I just shrugged.

A third manager walked up. "Did you scan all the barcodes?" He walked off after the other two managers, toward the furniture aisle. "I'm not even buying that chair and I'm getting angry." said stamp woman. I just shrugged.

Eventually, the third manager came back, looking very fed up. "Just give him the chair for $10!" he said huffily. The cashier looked astonished. The woman went with the manager to get stamps. They gave me my chair for $10. The ottoman they threw in for free. After I forked over my two fins and was walking out the door, I gave the thumbs up to the woman, now waiting in an endless customer service line for her stamps.

I brought the chair home and assembled it. The ottoman works great. But the chair has crippled my ass. I need a chair. I'm going to Target.
  • Current Mood: crippled
When I make posts about genuinely happy things I promise I will use Happy Fun Ball Slug.

Also, fanx for liking my 2 am story, which popped into my head whole cloth literally as I was getting in bed. I had to get back out of bed and write it down or forget it.
What, you want comfort for $10 too?? Geez.

Maybe you could put some extra padding in the cushion?
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I think what the thing needs is some extra support underneath so I'm going to get a piece of wood to size and see what that does.

I'm just glad I didn't pay whatever full price would have been. That would have genuinely chapped my hide rather than just leaving me amused.
Wa-Mart is the poor man's Target?
Well, I'll be, you learned me somethin' today.
Well, now we know what "uffish" means.

It means sore-assed.

Oh, and I have moved. I'm hoping I'll actually have some free time sometime in the next few weeks.
Yeah, I'm just trying to avoid spending money right now until I'm sure whether my contract is being renewed or what.

My ass says thanks.